....

I felt okay last night, but now I just feel awful. I don't want to go to the damn track meet today. I'm tired of having bad days!! I just woke up and my day is already bad! How can a dream do this to me! How can a small paragraph do this to me..... I... I don't know. Dammit. It's spring break, I shouldn't feel like this! Spring break was when everything was supposed to get better! And it's already started and I still feel awful! What the hell is up with this! I can't explain how annoying it is, to wake up, and the second you take a conscious breath, to just feel awful. I feel grimy and disgusting inside and out right now. I don't want to get out of bed, I don't want to move, I just want to lay here and go back to sleep and forget. But I can't do that now can I? I've got a track meet to go to. Can you say...blasting music? And black hoodie? And leave me the hell alone or I might just snap. It took all I had not to snap at a certain tall someone at track yesterday, just because he's a jerk, and he shoved me out of his way. And I got so unbearably angry for a second, that I just wanted to shove him back, and knock him off the bleachers. Elisabeths house was a small relief, it was fun to hang out with SeanG and listen to the other Sean rant. There was good food, and good entertainment, but when it got dark, I rolled over to look at the stars and lay by the fire, and I was spacing out, so when Camila asked if something was wrong, I nodded instead of saying I was just tired. At least she didn't push it last night. I didn't want to think about anything anymore.

I have to go take a shower... and get ready for the track meet. I don't want to though. I don't want to go to the freaking track meet... I just want to go to someones house, and lay on their floor and talk to them, and forget everything else but being there. Or I want to play guitar until my house shakes. Or I want to run until I can't run any further. Something to take my mind off of all of this. I wish someone understood it all. I wish there had been someone I trusted enough along the way to explain everything to. Now I have to scatter around to the very few people I'll still talk to, and I can only talk about certian things. I... I don't know. I have to go now. If I want time to take a shower and eat. I don't really want to eat, but I think I need to....

Whatever.