Mmmhph.

I have no idea what to say. Todays been one hell of a roller coaster ride, and right now I'm down. But I still remember the up. For it was the uppitiest up of all of my upity ups. Damn it was up. I went to rehearse for the variety show this coming Friday, and I wasn't doing very good. Like I was okay, but I didn't feel the music at all. Most of the rehearsal went like that, until the band Version or something set up. They had a drummer, and he left his drums behind. I don't blame him, they're a pain in the ass to set up. Aaron is supposed to be doing drums for a couple of the musical acts, and we were supposed to add drums to my solo song. I went from standing there and playing, to head banging and jumping around. It was amazing, just adding drums made it sound amazing. So now it's going out. I'm looking for a bassist, a drummer, maybe a second guitarist and someone who can sing. John, if you get your bass you're welcome anytime. Anyone else?

So for the low, I don't want to explain it. It's complicated, and I'm going to try and not think about it.

Mental Health

So, I'm taking a mental health morning this morning and skipping first block. I really can't skip any of my classes, and I almost want to leave right now and just go to Latin but.... I don't know. I really still have time to go to school, but I don't think some people would like that. It's only 7:30 and I feel good enough, I don't really want to wait till 9:30, but I kind of do. Ugh. I don't know. I kind of want to go back to bed too. I'm still sore and achy and my bed looks really warm and comfortable. Hmm... I keep getting a shaky feeling that I'm missing something this morning. How a couple of people fought me so much to make me take a mental health day. I... I just think I'm missing something that I'm not supposed to see... Today's the 28th right? I have a quiz in Latin and a test in history. Well I'll miss the quiz, and I'll miss the Latin test tomorrow because I'll have missed today, but I'll come in with enough time to do my history test. Hell, I did my last one in 13 minutes and got a 98. Well.... I'm gonna go lay down for a while, or make some chai and get up.

Where Do You Go

When you don't trust anyone?

Oww...

I feel better, and I feel worse. My whole body is in wracking pain. I feel like someone smashed my sides in with a big hammer, all my joints are creaking in pain, and my muscles don't seem to want to respond. I was surprised at how much of my endurance and strength I had left. Although I think it was determination more than anything. I'm going to do this by half miles because I only ran three miles and it's not entertaining to explain three miles. The first half mile I went out in 3:00 I'm not even kidding it was an even 3:00. I felt great then, a little pain was swelling up in my side but nothing to worry about. Even more surprising, my second half came to be a 2:57, meaning I ran a 5:57. That was shocking, because I was still feeling great. My 3rd half showed my loss of endurance dramatically when I ended up hitting 3:21. I was starting to hurt going into my second mile, but I went ahead and gritted my teeth against the pain and kept on running. This part of my loop was downhill so I managed to hit a 3:14 bringing my second mile to a 6:35 and my total to 12:32 or something. I don't know I'm too drained to do math. I really wasn't that bad until I went into my 3rd mile. That's where I started feeling my muscles start to go kind of numb and my joints started to ache. My side started throbbing worse, but I still decided I was going to see what I could do. Obviously what I can do isn't much. I hit a 3:43 for my 5th half and a 3:56 for 6th. I never managed to redeem my self. That last mile just sucked. I mean a 7:39. I came out to doing something like 20 minutes for 3 miles. But hell, I started out strong, and it made me feel kinda better.

I still feel kind of... I don't know, I still feel kind of let down. But whatever.

This Is

The first time in a long time, I've needed help, and one of the people I trusted most let me down. It's a sickening feeling. I can't quite describe it. It sucks though. I'm going to go run. Hopefully it'll make me feel better.

Damnit.

I just lost all of the post I was just typing. So, let's start again shall we! Oh, by the way. Local's, come to the variety show this friday at 7 in the auditorium. 2 dollars to get in. Dirt cheap, free food, good entertainment. So yeah, come.

So, I'm so tired of people blowing me off and ignoring me today. Every single person I've talked to has done it today except like Lizzy and John. But John and I are just like that, so he doesn't count. No affense John, you're one of those people above the common everyone. But otherwise. Everyone has done it!! And when ever I actually do talk to them, they sound like they really don't want to talk to me. I'm pretty sure they don't. I'm also pretty sure I know why with more than a few of them. Ugh!!! I'm just having one of those days. I feel stressed and I feel like there isn't enough time. I've only got about 2 hours worth of homework, which really isn't that bad. I have to do a bit of history, more studying than anything, and I've actually got some Latin for once.... But ugh, bio. I have a lab report to do. Serena said she'd help me, but we'll see. I can do 2 or 4 of the drawings tonight, and leave that as my work. I really.... don't even care about the show. Not like I don't care if it goes well, like I don't care if I do well or not. Because... I'm just tired of worrying. When I auditioned I did awful, and people still loved it. So maybe if I do okay, people will really like it too? We'll see. I don;t even care anymore. I could screw up or I could do great, it doesn;t really matter. So everyone come, it looks like it might well be pretty good.

There are a couple of people I really want to talk to today, but all they've done is blow me off. So what am I going to do today? Maybe it'd be best if I just took a different hall way. Nah, that's just stupid. I'll go walk with John for a little, and we'll talk. Or something. Yeah.... from what I see, She was wrong. Maybe he was just having a bad day when he wouldn;t answer the texts or IM's. Cause now? It looks like he's back. So I figure he'll come right back to his former position. Eh. It happens, I can leave again. "Saying good bye's the hardest part" If I listen to that song one more time, I'm going to kick something. Aaha, it just came on again. Well I lied, I'm not going to kick someone. I'm just going to.... let it play. Because I actually like that song, so burn me. So, Jake and I have to practice today, for like an hour or two. And then Sara and I will have to practice...for like an hour or two... Maybe that'll take my mind off. Sara is right. Playing guitar actually makes me happy. You can see my face brighten when I play, they're right. I've seen it in like videos, and pictures. Humph. "People think I need therapy cause I am frowing all the time!"

So, class has about 30 minutes left... I'm going to go wash my hands because this keyboard is icky. Love my choice of words? So do I.


Hmmph. I'm going now.

I Got Suckered

Well, no I didn't, but that'll come later. Today was actually a really good day. Anthony Todd and I had a surprising bit of fun in Latin considering it's a class about a language that's been dead well over a millennium. Yeah... Healy taught history today. I'm gonna tell you my attention never wavered once. Mr. A just isn't quite as captivating as Healy is. Bair was back today. I'm glad, now I'll actually get a chance to learn things right. But that doens;t much matter now. I think I have a B in the class. Maybe even a C. I got 2 really bad tests because Bair wasn't here to explain things, and some of those things weren't in the book. Oh well, I got 42/45 on one of my lab reports, and I'm doing better than a hell of a lot of people. Hmm...film studies. We didn't really do anything. Katie just added all the shots to her laptop. Oh, Chu and I went to get my guitar and amp. This is where I was talking about getting suckered. I really didn't, but William and Chu talked me into doing the show, and for a little while I was all like, YEAH! I'm gonna do it! Then I got up to audition, and I was like oh hail no. I auditioned, and I got it, but everyone but like one person got in I think. But.... I... I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm playing a cover of Paranoid by my self which... I'm quite frankly terrified to do. Like, I chose it just because I can play the whole thing and the solo. But I can't play it well!! Ugh. Everyone asked me to sing. I wish you people would understand I can't sing. I really really can't sing. I can play guitar, that's about it. I can sing in a choir or something, but not by my self. Ugh, well we'll see how that goes. Next Sara and I are doing a cover of Iris, by Goo Goo Dolls, and we'll see how that goes. And last Jake and I are doing a cover of Don't Fear the Reaper. That should go very well. But we'll see. I have no idea what I'm doing. Maybe that's what I need to jump start my career. Or wreck it. We'll see how it goes. Everyone says I'm really good, but....they also said that to the one group that wasn't very good at all. I don't know. I think someone would stop lying to me, and even He said I was good, so I assume I'm good enough. Hmm... Well. We'll see. I need to finish my homework and take a shower and practice.

Oh, two side notes. One, Nipe is getting Book of Kills back together. That's right! Get excited! And two? Actually no. You don't need to know two. Heh loser.

Bye.

Mhmm

Well, I feel very special, and I see no need to explain because the only people I want to share it with already know. Today was a pretty good day actually. I slept from about 3-10, so that was just weird. But Khorne and I went out to film today. We called Lizzy a lot, but she left her phone in a friends car. We went to her house too, but she wasn't there for some reason. It was crazyyy downtown. People kept giving us all these strange looks and being the conservative town we are, everything was closed on Sunday. We had to go to TDG to get something warm because neither of us were properly clothed. Then again, I'm never properly clothed. You know.... screw clothes. -I'm trying to limit my swearing.- Man, I have this nasty bruise/cut/laceration/reallyreallypainful thing on my head, and I was wondering where it came from -probably cause I got hit on the head- and talking to someone I finally remembered! WHen I was in Katie's car, we were making a sharp turn. I was kinda zoning out because I was lost in some memories, and my body had gone kinda limp. When she took the turn I nailed my head on the roll bar. I didn't really think it did any damage. Apparently it did.

I don't think anyone understands how it feels for me. To stand facing my amp with the distortion maxed out. I can just feel the notes running across my body, I can feel the air rushing past me. Maybe that's why so many of the old artists would stand right in front of their 4000$ marshall full stacks. I actually felt like I was playing with some of the bands. That's what happens when you get a nice amp. An amp worthy of performing. Ahhhh... and I feel fine. Yes, you can even play the Beatles through that thing.

Night loves.

Snow, Snow, Snow

Hey, it snowed. And it snowed a hell of a lot in the time I slept. I mean, I went to bed at like 4. I laid down at 3, but I couldn't sleep, so I wrote in the dark. Man, I'm talented, but you all ready knew that. Hah not. I wrote a bunch of songs last night on guitar, but I can't remember any of them. Mmm.... Oh, why I wrote the songs.

Last night and into the hours of the morning Alex and I were at Dave's watching Moneypenny perform. I heard about the concert from the lead singer who sold me my amp. It was a really, really good concert, and they're a really talented group. Well, I..I keep zoning out, so I'm not gonna finish this. I'll put a video of them up later. www.moneypennyrock.com Can ya dig it?

I Tried.

I went to Khornes house today to work on our movie, and we got a decent amount done. The point is she's set up now so she can do it all on her own. Being out side in the cold, and going around her crawl space inspired me a bit and since I had my notebook on me -when do I not have it- I decided to write another song. That's my 4th I think since Thursday. Impressive for me. But guess what. None of you get to see them because they suck. Well, one of you has already seen them, and of course you'll see this one and any others. So you better feel special. Yeah.

So, I ran home from Khornes house, and it felt great. For a little while. I was going strong up until I hit about half a mile, and then things started hurting. I felt like I was downing battery acid instead of air, and all my joints were starting to ache. My stride which was once full and powerful became shorter and weaker.I finally hit a point where I had to stop. Pathetic. I couldn't hit race pace for more than 3/4 of a mile. Then again, what I consider race pace is like....5:45 mile or something. Too fast. Hah, when I stopped to catch my breath I was right in front of Williams house and I looked over and I saw someone strikingly like Sean. Cept he had blonde hair, oh right he bleached it. And I looked over and saw a golden van. Hah, it was Serena's dad. He waved hi. Hah, I love that man.



Alex is here. Bye.

Cause I Will Be The Death Of You

You know. Getting ear plugs, turning the amp and speakers up a little more, and forgetting your alive makes you feel better. Or maybe I just haven't played that loud in a while. Now I just keep the volume RELATIVELY low, and play for a short amount of time. Now for those of you who understand the power of all all tube power amp, I had my amp on about 1.5 and my speakers on 8. That felt good. I could feel the bass through the floor and into my feet and chest. Hey neighbors, how's that for a wake up call? Quiet times over. At least I played some good music. Some. Not all of it was. I did a lot of Red Hot Chili Peppers and Clapton. Aaand then I did a lot of Three Days Grace, Breaking Benjamin, Black Sabbath and Nirvana. Hmm... quite a bit angrier and louder than RHCP and Eric Clapton. Mmm, oh well. No one complained yet.

Alex is coming over today and we're going to go see a concert at Dave's. One of the performers is actually the guy who sold me my amp. And he actually gets lessons from my guitar teacher, who says he's a cool guy. Small world eh? Actually. No. My teacher gets around. Everyone knows him. Mmm, Yeah. Oh. Let me say this. I've lost almost all respect for System of a Down. The DESECRATED a Black Sabbath song. Seriso, you've heard me complain about this before. But. They screwed it up!!! Ack!!! You can't do that!! If you're gonna make a new version make it better and not poppy!! I was playing through my heavy play list and I forgot I selected all of my System and it came on. I was like. Hmm that sounds familiar. Can't place it. Icicles within my brain. AH! Son's 'o Bitches!!

Hmm... the lead guitarist for Poison. He plays something with humbuckers right? The only performance I've seen them do they had Richie as the guitarist and he plays a tele. Hmm not important, just wondering.

I don't know. I'm gonna go do something.

She Was Stealing Another Breath

Okay, so I said I was going to put a picture of my amp up here. Here ya go.










Oh and if you make fun of my strat I'll have to kill you because it's amazing now that I've hot rodded it and smoothed the neck.

Aha!

I love you John.


Z4785: you should chop advil up into a fine powder then mix it with water. After that soak your head band in it so when you sweat it will get in you eyes, sure it will burn but the advil will tke care of that too

Maha

I'm so sick. I have chills, I have a fever, I've got a sore throat, I've got a death bed cough, I've got a headache that 6 Advil can't cure, my skin is super sensitive. Food looks disgusting. It really does. I just don't want to eat. Oh, and my ears are all screwed up. I tried to sleep in Nipes class, but the advil kicked in and I started to feel a little better. Katie gave me her coat and I curled up on the floor. Man, I better get a chance to sleep this weekend. I'm drained. Just completely drained. I think suffering with being so sick for so long should give me a free ride out of it, but apparently not. Ugh. I'm gonna go do something. Longer post later?

Army of the Sun, Roadrunner United

I was electrified by your eyes as they froze
Inviting me inside of your life to grow

Everlasting setting sun
You’re my angel, you’re the only one
No one close and nothing compares in the end
We will be together again

I'm so mesmerized by the light you expose
Igniting a fire deep inside of my soul

Everlasting setting sun
You’re my angel, you’re the only one
No one close and nothing compares in the end
We will be together again

Darkness shall fall with the strength of us all
Darkness shall fall
Darkness shall fall with the strength of us all
It shall fall

I raise my white flag
It’s the last flag I’ll ever raise
Don't stay away
Staring at you and all you are
I believe
Yeah I believe
Yeah I believe

(So much sadness, what happened to happiness...)
Everlasting setting sun
You’re my angel, you’re the only one
No one close and nothing compares in the end
You’re my angel, you’re the only one

We will be together again
We will be together again

We Are The One That Will Make You Feel Better

You know? Is it possible to have hug withdrawl? Or human physical contact withdrawl. Seriously the only person I even make any contact with anymore is Lizzy. More or less for obvious reasons. Or reasons obvious to me. No, I make contact with Sara too, but I'm not kidding when I say that's it. My skin almost doesn't feel anymore... does that make sense. I still feel, but like, I forgot what people feel like. I forgot the warmth of someone hugging me. I forgot the actual warmth of another person. But that's no ones fault but mine really. I've withdrawn my self from people. I have. Although some people have gone away from me. But once again for more or less obvious reasons. But that doesn't make much difference, I still miss the physical contact with people... You know? I'm gonna stop taking what people say for truth methinks. Sometimes "I hate you" doesn't really mean anything and sometimes "I don't care" doesn't either. Of course sometimes it does. But I think I've learned with a few people. Because they've never actually meant it. You think I would have learned by now god damnit.

Ugh, I just don't have the time or energy to blog anymore. Maybe it's because I write 6 pages a day in my journal, or maybe... it's because I'm just afraid of what I can put on here now. There's not much I actually want to anymore, but I still want to keep this blog alive. I may stop posting everyday though. It may become every other or every three. Or maybe not. We shall see.

I'm Having

Another one of those days that just suck. I'm tired, no matter how much sleep I get I'm tired. I got like 9 hrs. I'm sick, I couldn't get much more sick unless I just started throwing up. I'm feeling really secluded right now. I made it through an entire day with out touching anyone. Cept I poked Lizzy in the side once. I've kept to my self mainly. Walking around with my hood up and my hair over my eyes. I don't want people to see my eyes. I don't want to have to glare...cold icy glares. I don't want people to see those right now. I just don't want to be seen right now. But it's so hard to avoid certain people. I ended up running into some of the people I wanted to see least today. I tried to ignore them. But their voices just haunted me. Ugh. I still have that death bed like hacking cough. My whole head aches, my whole fricken body aches. I ache. How about that. I just ACHE. I wrote a song today. I wrote it in history because I had absolutely nothing better to do. Here is my bragging right for the day. I forgot my history binder at home, so I took the test again during the announcements. It took me 13 minutes, and I missed 1. It was like a 130 point test. Beat that. Well, I wrote 6 pages in my journal today. And you can't see none of it. So I don't have much more to say. Except a few songs I've had running through my head.

Must Listen Songs
Rhythm of Love (Scorpions)
She Loves Me (Black Lab)
Paperthin Hymn (Anberlin)
No One Like You (Scorpions)
Send Me An Angel (Scorpions)
Breathless (40 Below Summer)
Monday Song (40 Below Summer)
Army Of The Sun (Roadrunner United)
Never Too Late (Three Days Grace)
Suicide Solution (Ozzy Osbourne)
Stairway To Heaven (Led Zeppelin)
Next Time You See Her (Eric Clapton)
Breakdown (Tom Petty)
Letting You Go (Tom Petty)
I Fell Inside (Book of Kills)



Only one person will get this.

I'm not bloody faking it.

Into The Void

Well, I'm still loving my new amp. It's doing a good job making me happy. But it's still so hard to fill that void. I'm going to try. I really am. I want to get better. But I just feel like part of me is missing. Maybe a part of me that wasn't good for me, but a part none the less. Like withdrawal from a drug. A forced withdrawal. I've tried filling it. I've started writing in a journal. I must write 7 or 8 pages during a school day whenever I get the time. Lunch, World II when Allensworth is lecturing, Bio when I have nothing better to do because Bair is gone. That helps. I always feel better after I write that. I think if someone read any of that though I might have to disappear for a long long time. I never write anything like this down, because I can be paranoid about people learning things. I'm closed off from the world enough. Just talking makes me feel vulnerable, let alone some of the stuff I write in there. So just a warning, sorry if I'm sort of defensive of it, IE biting, scrathching, hacking and all other manner of keeping it safe. It's probably stupid to bring it to school, but that's the only place I have any inspiration to write at all. Ugh. What can I do? and just fly away, don't shut me out. Cause I can't be with out you. Damn pandora.

Anyway, back to my question. What can I do to fill it? Playing guitar only lasts so long. I can do it over and over and over, but it only lasts so long everyday. Running. Running lasts as long as I'm running, and as long as the endorphins are rushing through my body. Then that goes away. I don't do anything else. I do homework, I play guitar and I run. Homework NEVER makes me feel better. School always drains me. And that is Zach's life right now. School, and homework, and guitar. I can barely talk to people now with my limited internet acess. I'm not content to sit around doing nothing anymore. So I sit online. But I can't now. It's almost time for me to go already. When I get my homework done and I can't write and I can't play guitar, I sit online, and surf the web. Now what? I'm not tired enough to sleep. I don't want to sleep anyway, even if I could. So what am I to do? Die of boredom. I'm not allowed to play guitar, reading no longer settles my mind. I'm too fucking deaf to listen to music quiet enough at night. Maybe that'll be fixed tomorrow when I go to the doctor. Eck, I hate doctors.

Damnit, I have to wrap this up. But I just want to keep rambling. But... I guess I can't.

Good night all.

So

Zach just got a new amp. Peavey Valveking212. Can ya dig it?

Woo!! I'll put a picture up later.




Just know that I love it, and you won't see me online after 8 because my moms shutting the wireless off.


Oh, and this is certainly not last. I'm sorry to all of you that I offended with that post. I mean that. I was having the worst week of my life, and I felt betrayed. Sorry.

I'm Not Going

To try and explain. This day is a wreck. I'm sorry mom, you'll know why tomorrow, and I'll have to explain. I'm sorry Sara, I'm sorry Aleina. All of you, and of you I've caused pain I'm so sorry. Serena told me I should hate her. I can't do that. She did what I didn't want her to do. I'm not going to do it again. It had it's reasons, and I guess I'll have to explain those. I'm sorry to all of you. I'll try and get better now. I'll listen to help. Thanks Nat, for taking my mind off it. Thanks Andy for telling me what I'm good at and making me believe, thanks Chu for listening to me sob on the phone. I can't explain, although I'll have to too mom.

My ear hurts so bad. My eyes hurt.... my head hurts, my nose hurts. My whole body aches.... My heart aches.

I'm afraid of going to bed.


"Serena why'd you do it....why." "Because I fucking love you so much god damnit, I'm not going to sit here and watch you hurt your self."

Now

I'm deaf in both ears. Damnit.



Do you have any idea how annoying it is to hear your own heart constantly beating.

Yeah. Screw This Too

Thanks to the transit of the sun into Pisces you’ll be in need of a bit of a reality-check, as your imagination starts creating all kinds of fabulous scenarios of fame and fortune. It’s feet- on-the-ground time, Gemini; listen to someone’s sound and ultimately positive advice today. Go die horoscope generator.

I Want To Start THhis Post By Saying

I hate you all. No. Not all of you. There are you few wonderful people that can still make me smile. And hate? Hate is a strong word. Hate is a very strong word. I don't hate you all, but if you're going to do this to me, go away. Yes, everyone else is so awesome, and I'm that kid over there, yeah that depressed one. They're so charming and adorable, and I'm stupid and pathetic. All of you are so perfect in your happy world. Even you, even the one I thought was maybe like me. Well you know what? I don't even care anymore. Go be perfect. Leave me in peace. Stop trying. Get away from me. Can't you see that all you're doing is pissing me off now? Can't you see my burning rage. Can't you see how much he pisses me off. No... no you can't, not anymore. You don't get me anymore. One of the few people I thought understood me has slowly slipped away. And now? Well. I don't even care. All of my friends that are left are seniors. They'll all be gone next year, and then I can rest in peace. Wait, I have a few friends who are juniors. Not really though. Maybe....2? I can't think of everyone. So you know what? Go away. I know this is confusing. But this probably isn't directed at who you think. You might even be surprised.
Other you. Serena I think I'll call you for now. Serena, I don't want you to leave. But I guess that doesn't much matter now.

I wrote this in history, bio, and part of lunch when I had free time. It's supposed to be a post.

I'm fucking tired of people not listening to me. Do I have to scream and yell and snap my fingers to get your attention. Or is he...are they just that much better than me. Just that much more demanding of attention. -And when I say you, this is no one person this goes to many people, but not everyone. I think generally people will know if they aren't in the line of it-. No, it's not just you (p), it's everyone, even my teachers don't bloody listen to me. Is what I say just not important enough!?! Or do you just not care about what I say? No matter what it is. No matter what form of communication. NO ONE LISTENS! Should I just shut the hell up and sit in my corner?! Email, AIM, letters, talking, shouting! You don't even acknowledge my presence anymore! None of you! Not even you. First of all. Him. He seems to have taken all of my closer friends in the last week. Or at the very least preoccupied them. They don't even notice me anymore, he commands their attention. Can you not see how much of a jerk he is?!!?!?!? Or does that not even matter anymore! He's just a better human being than me isn't he!?!? That's why he can do all of this and you don't care, you don't even notice the pain he brings me, and others around him! Thats why. He's better, or I'm just worse. That's why you ignore all the pain dished out. All the times he's hit me, all the times he's kicked me when I was down, all the times he's called me emo, and depressed and many worse things I won't even post on here, every god damn time he's hurt me you've ignored it!!! All of you! And that was directed at ALL of you! Albiet some of you never see it. "Oh, I know he cares." "He's a really good person." "Oh he's perfect." Bullshit!! I'm no better, I don't care obviously! But still! Bullshit! And you....you used to stand beside me, you used to defend me, you used to hit him back when I wouldn't because I knew he'd hurt me more. But now? Now you couldn't possibly care less! I don't think you even read this anymore. You even went as far as to say you hate me. And if I hate anything, I hate that hate, that loss of care. I miss that protection. But I miss that friendship more than anything but it's not my choice now is it! You could care less if I never took another breath! You could care less if I never walked down that hall again. Back to the rest of you. I'm not going to ask you to defend me. No, no matter how much of this is brought down on me, I refuse to ask. Just stop fucking ignoring me! I was going to tell you. Till he came alone. You welcomed him with open arms, and when I gestured for you to come talk to me in private you blew it off and he quickly took my space. And sooner or later, it was as if you had been there all night, and I didn't even exist. You know? This has been a year from hell!! No, it had a short relief. And yes it was short. Two weeks exactly I believe. All of you, I don't want your bloody attention anymore. But don't tell me to stay, and tell him to stay, and when I try to leave tell me you want me to stay, when you really fucking don't. When you're just going to ignore me. Whatever you say, I don't believe you. Not anymore! Now that musical is over? I can escape you all. Last year we were a family, and I didn't want to leave. This year we were many families, many small families and I was the outcast.
What about when track starts? Will I have to win to get the slightest bit of respect. If that's what it takes, I'll do all I can to win. If that's what it takes to get me a little fucking respect. I need to start running today, but I barely slept so there's no way I can get out. When did I go to bed? 2:49 3:49? it was a 49. -Oh, you, you know who you are. It's not a habit, not yet.- Different track. Why are people so mean to me? AM I WEAK!? Do I just not stand up for my self? Just about everyone except my closest friends are mean to me. Why!!?? Should I start fighting back? No. That'll just get me in trouble because I'm the loser. I don't even feel like standing up for my self. It's pointless. And I don't want any of you doing it either. Not after you read this. If you're not gonna do it before, you're not doing it after. You know what one of the few things that's made me feel like I was worth something was? When he'd knock me down by kicking out my weaker leg. I'd hear a pronounced slap, and then a slender hand would appear offering to help me up. And when I got up I'd see that pretty smile and know someone cared. But guess what? That's gone too. And none of you. I reapeat none of you, are to try defending me. But answer one thing. How am I supposed to stand up for my self, when equal is when I'm inmore pain than you and when I'm on the ground in pain, and you feel better. The only way I can win in that would be to deck you. And I will not do that. How do I defend my self when no one will fucking listen to me! How do I defend my self when no ones on my side and no one fucking cares! -I'm at lunch.- Right now! He's sitting right beside me acting like the perfect friend should. ACTING. I don't believe it anymore.
Can I just go to the library now. I don't want to be here. I dislike you all, except tim. Tim, you really are a good person no matter what you or anyone says. Stop reading what I'm writing. Good now go away. Yes I know you're reading it. Shoo. Okay, I'm bac. God damnit! I'm going to the library. Yes I know ypu're still reading it.
Anyway, I didn't go to the library, but I'm not at the table anymore. For the first time in a long time -cliche alert- I feel completely alone, surrounded by so many people I know. I've felt like that since last monday. No, last night, Annie made me feel like I had people. We were sitting in the back of Chu's car, and I started thinking, I always think in chu's car. And she knew what I was thinking about cause I smirked at the lyrics of a song that was on. And was like "aww, Zach, life's too short." It's too long, I said. She took me up in one of those hugs that she gives and it made me feel so much better. But it remided me of the last time I lay in someones arms in that car. Which made me so much more sad. That night though, the last time we were togther was a splendid night, I felt great sitting in the parking lot listening to music laying in her arms. But guess what? That's gone too. So whatever. Fuck this, I'm not in the mood. And guess what even lizzy won't. -this is from film studies, she said something and being me I purposely took it the wrong way, and it ended up her scratching it out many times and writing over it "but she will muwahhaha.-


Whatever. Go away.

Okay Go

I've got a 4 page written post that I need to put up here. I'll do it later. K?

Yeah. Fuck That

You should be able to enjoy a very harmonious day today, thanks to a couple of strong and positive aspects influencing your ruling planet. You�ll be radiating a sense of fun out to your friends from the very start, so make sure you plan at least one social event into the day!

Ugh.

Don't you just hate that stabbing pain in your stomach when something happens.

You're As Cold As Ice

I feel like I was tied in a sack, hung upside down and beat with a bat till only mush was left. My whole body just aches. I don't even know why. Doing hand stands and jumping around isn't that demanding. But no, all my muscles and joints ache. I got some sleep last night. Well a pretty good amount. 2-10. It'll last me. I almost don't want to go to the cast party just so I can sleep, but I know if I stayed home I'd be up till 12 anyway. Do I have homework to do? I don't think so....no....I don't think I do. Except study bloody study.

What am I going to do when musicals over? I'll have so much free time. More time to think......
At least track starts on the 5th.... Then I might well be okay. I want to run the mile but who knows if Loughran will let me. He might well put me in the 800 because I used to be a sprinter. I suck at thr 800, and maybe if I lose enough I might get a chance to run the mile. Or maybe not.

Hah, last night I remembered what someone told me, and I saw a pack of teddy grahams sitting out on the table. Mine. Now I'm sitting here, eating my teddy grahams. Cept they aren't makin gme feel better. I doubt you understand anyway. Figure.

Time to go eat breakfast and blast some music.

Feeling Better

Didn't last long.




A little silence, for the mourning of the deaths of a million children's innocence
And it's required, that you feel no regret for the lives you take away
Lets take a minute and acknowledge, the delicate flower of innocence
And then we'll wonder as the body's fall and then I suppose we'll pray

It all, comes down
It all, comes down

There is a letter and it tells me who the perpetrators of all the evils are
And I can tell you, in a minute, that I'm going to write a check
And if you wonder at the wisdom of the men the beamed back from the stars
Oh, there are chosen they will charge forces on a ship already wrecked

It all, comes down
It all, comes down
It all, comes down
It all, comes down

It's a mind game, that's it a mind frame
That's like a mine field you can not decide
Who to set free, from the set fiend
Of laws and their responsibility
It's a sick game, if it's home made
Even if a home is some one else's
But you never tried, and when she died
You let them call you sefless

Cause there is evil, there are monsters everwhere
And I'm told they prey on the innocent
And you are right, when you say
That it doesn't seem fair that you should have to fight them all
There must be someone in an office at a desk who can sign and some fear you'll cure
But you must know that it doesn't matter
Because it's no longer so clear (so clear) whats pure
It's no longer so clear whats pure at all

All comes down
It all comes down
It all comes down
It all comes down

It's a mind game
It's a mind game

I Don't Think

Many or any people understand me. I know 3 who used to. Maybe one still does. But talking to people last night, I realized no one understands where I'm coming from. People get close. SL gets parts of it I'm sure, and if he knew more he'd probably understand because he's facing many of the same problems. Ab used to, she always got it, but I don't talk to her anymore. Ac understands to a degree, but not all of it. PC....I have no idea, sometimes I think he gets it all, some time I think he gets nothing. NF...she understands a great deal more than I would have expected. Ll...a great deal more too. AK....she used to, she still kind of does, but not as much anymore. Ag...out of the blue, he understands a bit. Cd....she understands certain aspects. Wk, he gets it... kind of...he gets parts. But only one person previously mentioned has completely understood where I'm coming from. I have no idea what it is about her. Maybe it's the fact she's so abstract. You either like her or you hate her, you either understand her, or thing she's arrogant and has an ego the size of china. Don't ask me what it is, don't ask me what makes me want to stop being stubborn when I talk to her, what forces me to listen. I've been asked how many people have to bleed for me to be happy. You could make the whole world suffer for me, it wouldn't make any difference. I think the thing is, I just don't want to be happy, or what I think would make me happy, or might well make me happy, is gone, doesn't exist. And I refuse to move on.

Playing music will always be my escape. I can drown out all feelings, all thoughts, everything, even all sound with music. I mean, having gigantic speakers, and very powerful amp does help that. But last night before the musical. People were jumping around in an attempt to get excited, or Drew for example was sitting in a corner with his eyes closed. I was doing the same thing...with Gu's guitar. I was sitting on the table outside of Swartz's room, letting music flow from my fingers, any anxiety, any emotion at all was swept away. It seems I have a lot of sizzling emotions around because I'm either sleeping, at school, eating or playing guitar. I woke up this morning, I took a shower, I got breakfast, I played guitar. I only stopped to write this because I feel like it needs to get out. This section is a long side note I think, it's beside the point.

Why don't people understand? I understand. You may think I don't, but that's just you not understanding. I get it, I know why all of this is like it is. Whatever I say I know why it is. I may refuse to admit it, but right now I'm going to tell you I do know. I'm trying to count the close friends I have right now, and I'm having trouble because many of them are close only in one respect or two. I don't have very many all around close friends. Do I have any? Any that I go to happy, sad, angry, or anything else. No. Each one seems to have a small part. I don't have any that cover multiple places. I miss having that. I had it. I know I did. There were a few people like that. But not anymore. I have my XC friends, I have my musical friends, I have my street friends -don't ask- and I have friends in my classes. Rarely do those mix, or continue beyond the time I'm with them. Goldie and BAMF are the only people on the team I still talk to. And BAMF cause he is in my Latin class. My friends from musical last year? Well, we were good friends, good enough, then musical ended and we went out separate ways. So on and so forth. Ah, one more example. Camp. I got closer to the people there in three weeks than most people do in 3 years. And now? I only talk to two of them. I saw Mark Friday night, it felt nice to see him come to see the musical. And Nat....I went to her in desperation. It might well have been two in the morning, and there was probably no one else on. Well, now we're back to talking everyday.

You know what? I hate high school, and if at all possible, I'm going to get enough credits for an advanced diploma next year, and if high school doesn't get any better. Well I'm done, I'll just drop whatever space filling electives I'm taking and go get a job at some where nice to work. Save up a little money here and there. Do something besides go to high school. I don't have the drive to go right to college, like some of the people I know, so I'm not sure what I'll do until I decide to go, but we'll see. I may decide to deal with it and space my classes out. My moms going to need to get on the computer soon, but I still have so much more to say. Lets see what I can get out. Does anyone around me feel the same? Put your fist up and vent your pain! Those lines have been going through my head non stop since last night. And before that This world will never be what I expected, and if I don't belong who would have guessed it. I will not leave alone everything that I own to make you feel like it's not too late, it's never too late. Lots of lyrics like that.

I don't even know where I'm going with this anymore. This post might not even be posted, it might not even exist tomorrow morning, tonight even. Or I might just make my blog private. You all would love that wouldn't you. But I doubt I will. I'd be getting hate mail until I undid it. Oh, on a completely unrelated thought, I've recorded a bit of music, and I think I finally have a CD burner, if anyone wants it I have about 6 distorted grungy songs, and I think I can have 5 clean songs. The clean channel sounds like crap recorded, but you get the idea. The distorted stuff is good, but I never play things the same, so if I play a version I like, I keep it no matter how bad I played.

I have 107 buddies on my AIM buddy list, and that's reduced, I used to have the max 200. It's interesting that I only talk to about 12 of them. Out of the 18 that are on now. I'm talking to one, and of the ones that are away, I would be talking to.......2 more maybe. Oh, that's not counting blocked people, there are a few more I blocked. You know... I think Scorpions would understand me. Out of the three albums I have, every song but like three has some odd connection to my situation. Then again, that's not saying much because so does Three Days Grace..... and that's just messed up. Only when you stop to think about me do you know.... Yeah. Shut it. I listen to a lot of music, good, bad, heavy, light, clean, distorted, angry, sad. Yeah. I think this'll be my longest post since my one about William and Mary. I feel sort of better...sort of. I still ache, all over. Physically, emotionally, even my mind aches. My body is torn apart. I've got some nasty cuts from the ice besides the ones on my hand...like on my foot. What the hell? I got 2 more bruises last night, and one more cut on my hand because I did a hand stand on a big spike of wood. Now it's all purple and angry....

I've got such a headache. Being sick sucks to much. I'm almost over the sore throat, almost over the chills. My nerves are still on edge, my sinuses are still screwed up, my ears still ache, my head still aches, I'm still really weak and tired. But I'm getting there. I doubt staying out till 12 helps. Or not eating enough. I eat my three meals a day. But there's no way in hell that's enough. Meh, there isn't anything appealing right now. I didn't see anything I wanted at Wendy's last night, although Annie's chicken sandwich was pretty good. And I just got like 20 spelling errors in this last section and my writing is going down hill. I figure it's time to end this post. But I don't want to. It feels kind of nice to be saying all of this. Just rambling and rambling. Ugh, here's some rambling only a few people will get. I miss the warmth. No matter what anyone says, it's not there anymore. It's just not. And I'm not okay with that, but you know what? That doesn't matter does it because nothings going to change. I've already tried. I even tried to kill all communication, all thoughts, like I did last time. It's just not working. Because this time, I miss it. Not that I didn't last time, but I really do this time.

What the hell, my stomach's growling, I just ate. Oh, that's a lie, I've been typing for almost an hour. And I got on an hour after I ate. That went by fast. Okay, this headache is killing me, and I have call time in 2 1/2 hours, and I need to eat, a lot, and I need something to drink. I thought you said forever, over and over. One sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion. These thoughts run through my head over and over. August evenings bring solemn warnings to remember to kiss the ones you love good night.

Good Night

I still don't have very much to say. Except that I feel special because I am the first person to know about Sean getting into college. Woo. I love my friends. Night,

The Roof Is On Fire!

Well, opening night went well. It's kind of funny how my only friends there from HHS were Jenn and Liz, and Mark from TA. Eh, as is opening night. We did well, I think. I know we had quite a bit more energy tonight than earlier this morning because the crowd was acually awake and actually cared. Yeah. Well after the show we all danced around in our boxers as usual, and scarred any girls that came in. I went and slid on the ice and got 2 big bruises on my knees, one on my elbow, and 2 nasty cuts on my hand. Figures. I'm too drained to say much more. So off to study biology for a little while.

Hold Me Closer Tiny Dancer

Today has been a musical day. Everything I've done all day is music oriented. I've been trying to sound out Carol of The Bells by The trans-Siberian Orchestra and Metallica. I've been mostly sucessful. I can't play one part up to speed, and another my guitars neck may be a little to thin to do, but hey, where am I gonna find an orchestra to play with. Over the summer, I'd OD'd on the Red Hot Chili Peppers I listened to them so much. Today was was flitting around the internet and I saw a video of John playing a cover of Tiny Dancer. I was like, hey, that was amazing. John....Red Hot Chili Peppers. Listen. Now. And that's what I've been listening to all day. I can play most of their stuff now because I'm in one of those productive moods. I might be getting a new amp. Well an old amp. But a new old amp. It's a vintage Marshall 1x12 all tube amp. It looks really really nice. And it's dirt cheap for a vintage marshall. I'm talking like 1/6th of the price. I seem to be good at finding these things. My guitar was like 1/3 of the price it should have been. Mmm this amp would be awesome. If I get desperate for power, just buy a 2x12 cab and another 1x12 and there's your half stack right there.

Heh, I was at Shenks yesterday, and they had anti-valentine cookies. "Bite Me!' on a broken heart. My favorite.

Yeah, well I'm gonna go get ready for musical practice

Have I Ever Told You

How much I hate horoscopes.

The less than helpful influence of Jupiter shifts away today, which will leave you feeling much more clear-headed, and thanks to the moon in Capricorn you’ll be able to find a way to rectify or balance out a recent mistake or misunderstanding! The answer won’t be brilliantly easy though!

Even

hearing that school's canceled can't bring a bloody smile to my face. I don't smile much now. I didn't smile much to begin with, but I really don't smile much anymore. School isn't fulfilling at all, not that it really ever was. But I'm not even glad to know I have A's in all of my classes, even biology. I'm still sick, and that just pisses me off that my body isn't strong enough to kill a stupid cold. I think my body's weaker than it's ever been. I hate that kind of weakness. I'm out of shape. I doubt I could run a mile under six minutes right now. I doubt I could even run for 6 minutes. What the heck. I don't have any endurance anymore, I don't have any strength anymore. I think the only muscle I have left is in my stomach, because that's one of the two parts of my body I still work on. I do my arms too, but psh, it doesn't do much good. Guitar still satisfies me, but I'm not good enough. I'm just not good enough, I'm not improving much anymore. I can play every basic and most intermediate solo's I can find. But the really nice ones, are far beyond my grasp. I hate high school. I don't fight much. But I'm tired of having to fight for every square inc of ground. I'm tired of everything that conflicts. I'm tired of everyone thinking they're so much fucking better than me. Just because you can run and catch a ball and hit people shouldn't give you any power of me. Hell, I can run longer and harder than you. And what does that get me? Nothing. Everything has to be fought for, and I'm tired of it. Just done. I don't want to do it anymore. I haven't shown much progress have I? I can't blame you for being frustrated. I can't blame you for giving up. Why do you people still fight for me. As you can see, it hasn't done much, except make me feel better once in a while. Like yesterday. You know what. I can think of one example of a person today, that just fought me every bit and always had to be better than me, and always had to counter whatever I said. Like what the hell. Just leave me alone.

I've been getting angry a lot recently. I don't get angry. I stopped getting truly angry last year, I learned to control it, and cool my self down. I guess that bit of control is waning. At least I haven't snapped once. Well, I did in gym, but that was last semester. I haven't snapped in a while. I've broken down quite a few times though. My days are always.....I can't think of a word. Regressive? I start out relatively stable. Then I slowly lose that stability and control. Until the slightest thing affects me. I always listen to music now. It helps me concentrate. It blocks out the rest of the world. Ugh. This has just been a bad....2 days, bad semester. Whatever. I figure I'll survive. I have to don't I? It's only high school. Come on.

Hate Is A Strong Word But I Really Really Don't Like You

Today. Already. Sucks. My dad woke me up at 5 something, telling me we still had school, and that since I didn't study for biology last night, I had to this morning. Well, I got up, and I had so much trouble keeping my eyes open, since I hadn't slept well -no surprise.- I was about to get in a shower, because I had just got up off of my bathroom floor. I must have fallen asleep again. But as I was hobbling up, a knock came on my door. It was my dad telling me that school had been canceled and I could go back to bed. Right at that moment, I realized I had a sore throat, and almost no voice as I tried to respond. "C...c......can I...g.....go.....back to....to bed." My voice was really raspy and low. I've tried singing, and I can hit really low bass notes, but I can't hit anything near my normal high. I might take some astragulus, but I don't really want to. Whatever. I'd almost rather go to school today, just so I could have a regular schedule. I have no idea when rehearsal is supposed to be. I have no idea when anything is supposed to be. Ugh. I still need to fricken study for biology, and now I need to color some bloody maps, which I was going to do at rehearsal today. So, I have to start those soon, but I really don't want to, so I'm going to ramble for a little more, and then I will start.

I think these 2 days, have been the worst of the new year. Wait. Maybe? Yeah, actually, I think these are the worst days. I mean does anything else want to go wrong? Does my guitar just want to stop working? Does my ipod want to just fail on me? Come on!! Oh, I know things could get worse. The example Chu chose for me was, I'm not living in Kenya with AIDS. And you know? I'm not. But I am in bloody high school. I've been pretty much sick since November, and it only temporarily gets better. I'm sick, or just not healthy more often than I'm well now. Maybe I'm bound to just get knock down drag out sick, and then I'll get better. Maybe not. Okay, my throat hurts so bad. I'm going to get astragulus. Well that didn't help. I'm going to go study for bio, and color one map. And then probably play guitar. Whatever. I don't even care.

I wasn't

planning on blogging today, because I basically feel like crap. My school day was AWFUL. Right when the first bell rang and I finished my good byes the school day became horrible. Nothing, and I mean nothing went right. Latin just was horrible, I wasn't in the mood, and I didn't want to be there, and I had a headache and a sore throat. -which I STILL have.- World II, just didn't do it for me. I felt just as bad in that class. No way around it. Biology... we had a lab, which did nothing for me, because I was just too drained and tired, and hurt to want to work. Yeah, yeah I did it. I don't give up. Film Studies... we couldn't do anything because Katie left the main character at home, so we sat around watching horrible movies. Horrible movies do not lighten one's mood. The end of school was the absolute worst. I'm not going to tell you anything because I don't fucking feel like it. But I want to say thank you to Lizzy and Aleina. Thank you for helping me, and thank you for making me feel protected and safe when I was at my lowest.

When I got home, I tried this weird chai stuff my mom bought, and it was really good. I played guitar the entire time I was at home, because it's what I do to make my self feel better. I'm sending out an SOS, oh wait what? Ugh, rehearsal was the worst. It went till 11 this time, and with the mic set-up, we didn't start till like 7. I was tired and not happy, so it didn't go well. I was stuck in hot clothes, and hats that just don't work with my head. UGH!


Bad Day End Of Story Thank You And Good Fucking Night.

we better get snow. because I'm tired of studying for biology.

Let It Die

My day was pretty bad. Balance. Bloody balance. I guess I had it coming since yesterday was so good. I had a really restless sleep that involved many nightmares, many horrible nightmares that had me waking up afraid to breathe, afraid to make even the slightest sound that they might find me. It took a while for the shock of those to wear off. I remembered last night around 11 that I had a history project due on monday, and realized all I had done was the questions. And that bloody project has been my entire day. Running back and forth from my dads office printing things and designing things. I got a lot of help though which made it easy. Thanks. But guess what? I started at 10 am and I'm still not done. I hate this. I need to study for biology too.

I'm tired of lyrics. I'm tired of not being able to write lyrics, I'm tired of lyrics that tell depressing stories, I'm tired of lyrics that look like their meant to tear you apart. I'm just tired of lyrics. Unless someone wants to write for me, I'm not putting any lyrics to any of my songs, I can be more expressive with music anyway. Ugh, I don't want to go down to dinner. I want to sit in my small dark room and listen to music and type away on my keyboard. I've been out and about enough today, time for some solitude. Apparently not. I have 3 more minutes, and I doubt I'm going to have any more to say. Damn, there goes the timer.

Okay, I lied

I'm not going to do a long post. The bluegrass was really pretty good. It was a hell of a lot closer to old style country, but whatever. John and I ate pretty well there. They serve good food out in the boonies. Today was a pretty good day.

Epic Movie

Sucked. Haha, but it had some parts where I was about to die laughing. I'm going out again with John tonight. But I promise a more complete post.

Wow

This is the first week I started playing guitar. Hells Bells, Stairway to Heaven, and I think that's You shook me all night long.

Savage Garden

Well, I want to say thanks to Nat, for being awesome, and talking to me for the past week or so. Anyway, good song recommended by her. Crash and Burn by Savage Garden, go listen to it, it's really good.

Today.... today.....what to say about today. I had a quiz in Latin and it was really easy. Uh, before that I nearly fell asleep on my cup of chai. Mmm...history, we had a test. I know what I got already, well kind of. I missed 1 mult choice, I left two fill ins blank, and I missed at least two more, probably four. Not that bad at all. Considering I got 2 extra credit points. Umm, biology. We took a whole bunch of notes, and neglected to take our quiz, so I'll have to do that Monday. Film Studies was pretty good, we worked on out movie, just trying to figure things out. It worked pretty well, but the camera kept moving so the pictures look really jumpy. Eh, we'll figure it out.

Did I have rehearsal today? I don't think I did. But I didn't go anyway. Eh.

Hey John, wanna go see epic movie? I have rehearsal from 2-2:30 on saturday, but I'm free for the most part after that.

Mmm

Ineresting day. No time to explain. Need life. Need shower. Need guitar. Goldielocks, I did post on that before but I was repeating it for various reasons.

Rats

I've now realized that animals seem to make me feel better. Especially small one that curl up into your arms and fall asleep. Or sit on your lap while you read or do homework. Sean had his rats at practice today, and I couldn't keep my hands off the albino one. It finally got comfortable and fell asleep in my lap, until I had to go on and I gave it to Hime. Anyway, rehearsal....rehearsal wasn't that great, I seriously could have left at 4:00 and been okay. I was on stage for no more than 45 minutes and wasn't needed the rest of the time. Either adult chorus just rocks -Fagins gang rehearsed all day- or we're just expected to be better since all of us have been in the musical before except Carina. Rose said she was going to fit me for a costume, and to wait because she'd come to me. Well 8:50 rolled around and Mr. Swartz woke me from my studying and asked if he could kick me out of the auditorium. Oh, sure I said. I had completely lost track of time.

I seem to have music for different moods, and it's very, very good at putting me in those moods. Classic rock makes me really happy and makes everything seem simple and clean. Hey that's a song. I have like.... alternative which is for anytime because it's not classic rock and it's not new rock, it's music with a bass and guitars and drums and a singer. I have metal for... I don't know. It's not a mood. It's a feeling. Like listening to Black Sabbath -my favorite band- I get just a feeling of... it's so hard to explain. It's almost a feeling or darkness, but not in a bad way. It doesn't make me angry, it doesn't make me sad. It's just energizing, makes me want to move, makes me want to run, makes me want to..... breathe. Hmm.. need to think about that more. I left out some music, but I have good reasons, so deal with it. Oh, by the way, I'm listening to classic rock. It's still rock and roll to me.

Who

Loves the snow.

My day

can only get better. I'm not kidding. It was so horrible, I'm sitting here laughing about it. You know what, I have to thank Bryce -who I'm sure doesn't read this- for making things seem so bloody simple. Thanks Bryce, I owe you many. Anyway, ask Jake, when I got off the bus, I started spinning and laughing and throwing out every curse I could think of. That did make me feel slightly better. I'm really not in the mood to go to rehearsal today. I'm going to take my homework, and my ipod, and sit in my little corner until it's time for me to go up, and then I'm going to go sit back down and repeat that. At least I'll get some quality studying time. Or I might just blow that off and play solitaire. Or not. Who knows. But I'm not in the mood to tell you about how I feel. Enter away message text here.

Well

I feel special.

Yerah

Pretty long day. I don't remember a thing that happened in Latin, and world II seems like a distant memory. Biology.... we studied something or other. Film studies... Khorn wasn't here so we couldn't do anything. Rehearsal was pretty boring since I got to sing like 2 times, in all. And I was there for 3 hours. Meh. Annie is amazing, just want to let some of you people know that. So's Sara, she wrote me this poem, that is perfectly true. Like too perfect. Hmm.... Yeah.... got all my homework done in rehearsal so I'll be playing guitar or reading all night.

Not Impressed.

So, I'm sitting here watching the superbowl, and the commercials aren't impressing me. The GAME is impressing me more. Like getting a touchdown in like 13 seconds. That was bloody impressive. Eh. Whatever. That's how I feel.

Mhmm

I just wanna say Jordan's party was pretty amazing. We played quite a bit of pool, and had lots of food and soda. I also want to say.....not sure how to word this. Camila, William, Annie, Isa, Chu, you guys are just basically amazing, and I want to say thank you for being so amazing. Mhmm... I'm off to bed.

Nothing Special

Except my old amp cable gave out on me so I went and got another one today at G&A. I played around with their SG's for a little while and realized I still want one. I'm gonna have to get a worn brown one and strip the finish and pickups. I'll refinish it with ebony and put standard SG pickups in it if I get one. Yehah. Nothing else went on. I might go to Jordan's tonight for his 18th birthday.

Casuality.

Wow, today was just a horrible day. I mean it sucked. So much. But whatever...it doesn't seemt o have much of a negative effect on me anymore. Latin....I'm still actually enjoying that class. Although it felt a little empty without Rodell. Mmm....history. It was Healy's time to lecture. That was nice. It was so much easier to pay attention, and he'd look me in the eye and drive the point home. Biology.... we took a quiz in bio, and I know I got 100% unless I did something stupid. My average for the class is a 92.54....so that's not too bad. I managed to get most of my lab report done in class, so I don't have too much homework this weekend. Film Studies was good. We watched some of the best student films and I have to say one of them is going to give me nightmares. It was pretty damn scary. By the time we had to go out to the buses -I don't have rehearsal today- the snow had stopped and it turned to a cold wet rain. Yes, not all rain is wet. So shut up.

I think I'm going out somewhere with my parents tonight. Dinner and a movie or something. Mhmm.

I need to sleep more. I feel like it's been months since the last weekend. Ugh.

I kinda feel like putting a video up... I'm going to go do that if I can find my camera. Hey it's at my feet. sweet.

Make Up Your Own Bloody Title I'm Out.

Yeeeeah... What a day. It was long, and painful, and tiring, and annoying and so many other ing's that I can't even think of. We had a test in Latin, although it was pretty easy, it still annoyed me. Then.....history. I had a group with the practicum student teaching, and he was actually pretty good, but I need to write a fricken political cartoon by Monday. Biology..... was biology. Mr. Bair made us do this pathetic cheer leader thing. But whatever, I know how to draw Alpha, Beta and G.....G....something with a G. I wanna say Gallium, but that's an element. Whatever. We got our script and storyboard done in film studies today, which is very good. Musical rehearsal was just blah because I wasn't really in the best of moods going into it, and it just wasn't fun. Had my second counseling session today. It went over well, but like last time, it had it's nasty side effects. Whatever.



I have no idea what I'm going to go do. There's no one on to talk to and dads asleep so I can't play guitar. Damn