I Want To Start THhis Post By Saying

I hate you all. No. Not all of you. There are you few wonderful people that can still make me smile. And hate? Hate is a strong word. Hate is a very strong word. I don't hate you all, but if you're going to do this to me, go away. Yes, everyone else is so awesome, and I'm that kid over there, yeah that depressed one. They're so charming and adorable, and I'm stupid and pathetic. All of you are so perfect in your happy world. Even you, even the one I thought was maybe like me. Well you know what? I don't even care anymore. Go be perfect. Leave me in peace. Stop trying. Get away from me. Can't you see that all you're doing is pissing me off now? Can't you see my burning rage. Can't you see how much he pisses me off. No... no you can't, not anymore. You don't get me anymore. One of the few people I thought understood me has slowly slipped away. And now? Well. I don't even care. All of my friends that are left are seniors. They'll all be gone next year, and then I can rest in peace. Wait, I have a few friends who are juniors. Not really though. Maybe....2? I can't think of everyone. So you know what? Go away. I know this is confusing. But this probably isn't directed at who you think. You might even be surprised.
Other you. Serena I think I'll call you for now. Serena, I don't want you to leave. But I guess that doesn't much matter now.

I wrote this in history, bio, and part of lunch when I had free time. It's supposed to be a post.

I'm fucking tired of people not listening to me. Do I have to scream and yell and snap my fingers to get your attention. Or is he...are they just that much better than me. Just that much more demanding of attention. -And when I say you, this is no one person this goes to many people, but not everyone. I think generally people will know if they aren't in the line of it-. No, it's not just you (p), it's everyone, even my teachers don't bloody listen to me. Is what I say just not important enough!?! Or do you just not care about what I say? No matter what it is. No matter what form of communication. NO ONE LISTENS! Should I just shut the hell up and sit in my corner?! Email, AIM, letters, talking, shouting! You don't even acknowledge my presence anymore! None of you! Not even you. First of all. Him. He seems to have taken all of my closer friends in the last week. Or at the very least preoccupied them. They don't even notice me anymore, he commands their attention. Can you not see how much of a jerk he is?!!?!?!? Or does that not even matter anymore! He's just a better human being than me isn't he!?!? That's why he can do all of this and you don't care, you don't even notice the pain he brings me, and others around him! Thats why. He's better, or I'm just worse. That's why you ignore all the pain dished out. All the times he's hit me, all the times he's kicked me when I was down, all the times he's called me emo, and depressed and many worse things I won't even post on here, every god damn time he's hurt me you've ignored it!!! All of you! And that was directed at ALL of you! Albiet some of you never see it. "Oh, I know he cares." "He's a really good person." "Oh he's perfect." Bullshit!! I'm no better, I don't care obviously! But still! Bullshit! And you....you used to stand beside me, you used to defend me, you used to hit him back when I wouldn't because I knew he'd hurt me more. But now? Now you couldn't possibly care less! I don't think you even read this anymore. You even went as far as to say you hate me. And if I hate anything, I hate that hate, that loss of care. I miss that protection. But I miss that friendship more than anything but it's not my choice now is it! You could care less if I never took another breath! You could care less if I never walked down that hall again. Back to the rest of you. I'm not going to ask you to defend me. No, no matter how much of this is brought down on me, I refuse to ask. Just stop fucking ignoring me! I was going to tell you. Till he came alone. You welcomed him with open arms, and when I gestured for you to come talk to me in private you blew it off and he quickly took my space. And sooner or later, it was as if you had been there all night, and I didn't even exist. You know? This has been a year from hell!! No, it had a short relief. And yes it was short. Two weeks exactly I believe. All of you, I don't want your bloody attention anymore. But don't tell me to stay, and tell him to stay, and when I try to leave tell me you want me to stay, when you really fucking don't. When you're just going to ignore me. Whatever you say, I don't believe you. Not anymore! Now that musical is over? I can escape you all. Last year we were a family, and I didn't want to leave. This year we were many families, many small families and I was the outcast.
What about when track starts? Will I have to win to get the slightest bit of respect. If that's what it takes, I'll do all I can to win. If that's what it takes to get me a little fucking respect. I need to start running today, but I barely slept so there's no way I can get out. When did I go to bed? 2:49 3:49? it was a 49. -Oh, you, you know who you are. It's not a habit, not yet.- Different track. Why are people so mean to me? AM I WEAK!? Do I just not stand up for my self? Just about everyone except my closest friends are mean to me. Why!!?? Should I start fighting back? No. That'll just get me in trouble because I'm the loser. I don't even feel like standing up for my self. It's pointless. And I don't want any of you doing it either. Not after you read this. If you're not gonna do it before, you're not doing it after. You know what one of the few things that's made me feel like I was worth something was? When he'd knock me down by kicking out my weaker leg. I'd hear a pronounced slap, and then a slender hand would appear offering to help me up. And when I got up I'd see that pretty smile and know someone cared. But guess what? That's gone too. And none of you. I reapeat none of you, are to try defending me. But answer one thing. How am I supposed to stand up for my self, when equal is when I'm inmore pain than you and when I'm on the ground in pain, and you feel better. The only way I can win in that would be to deck you. And I will not do that. How do I defend my self when no one will fucking listen to me! How do I defend my self when no ones on my side and no one fucking cares! -I'm at lunch.- Right now! He's sitting right beside me acting like the perfect friend should. ACTING. I don't believe it anymore.
Can I just go to the library now. I don't want to be here. I dislike you all, except tim. Tim, you really are a good person no matter what you or anyone says. Stop reading what I'm writing. Good now go away. Yes I know you're reading it. Shoo. Okay, I'm bac. God damnit! I'm going to the library. Yes I know ypu're still reading it.
Anyway, I didn't go to the library, but I'm not at the table anymore. For the first time in a long time -cliche alert- I feel completely alone, surrounded by so many people I know. I've felt like that since last monday. No, last night, Annie made me feel like I had people. We were sitting in the back of Chu's car, and I started thinking, I always think in chu's car. And she knew what I was thinking about cause I smirked at the lyrics of a song that was on. And was like "aww, Zach, life's too short." It's too long, I said. She took me up in one of those hugs that she gives and it made me feel so much better. But it remided me of the last time I lay in someones arms in that car. Which made me so much more sad. That night though, the last time we were togther was a splendid night, I felt great sitting in the parking lot listening to music laying in her arms. But guess what? That's gone too. So whatever. Fuck this, I'm not in the mood. And guess what even lizzy won't. -this is from film studies, she said something and being me I purposely took it the wrong way, and it ended up her scratching it out many times and writing over it "but she will muwahhaha.-


Whatever. Go away.