Dazed and Confused.

I want to say something, or some things. First, to make up for that horrid post previously, and second, because I have tons on my mind. I'm not sure how much I'm willing to share with the collected public, is there a way to make this post private or something? Well, until then, I'll tell you what I don't care about you knowing. Now, I'll tell you I've added a new song to my favorites list. It's a very bittersweet song called Breath Me by Sia. Look for it. What else is there, not much, I'm afraid my...friends? Who are you anyway? Or, do I want to know? I don't think I do. What else is there... It's raining, and it's cold. My favorite mix, and if you call me emo, I will run to your house, and make you eat the word. Shall I tell you more? I think I shall. Well, first of all, I feel like a loser now. No one's on again. They're all off doing things, not that I wasn't. I had a great time, but I feel sort of, loserish, now because I'm sitting here, in the dark, listening to the rain, huddled for warmth under my down blanket. It's relaxing, the rain, the dark. It would be a hell of a lot more if I weren't here, on the computer, pitifully waiting for some one to sign on. Go ahead, say it, I'm pitiful.

More and more often, I feel sort of... empty when I'm not with people. That has never happened before, I've always been the kid on the point of being anti-social. I don't go to dances, and the ones I go to, I don't enjoy. I don't go to peoples houses, cept Camila's and Aarons. I never do anything with anyone, and I never really see people out side of school. Now, all of this is my fault, I don't blame it on anyone else. Just wanted to get that out there. More and more, I'm finding, I want to be with people. But not all people. No, not all. I hate people as a rule. Well, hate is a strong word, possiby too strong. I like watching people, but I don't like interacting with them. But now, what is this? No matter how much I tried to turn Chu down, I ended up going, and I had a great time. I would have been content to talk for hours with that small group of Chu, William, Camila, and Seriso. -Sorry I've dropped nicknames. I'll probably edit them back in later, but I'm feeling uninspired now. And anyway, I like the names Camila and William, and Chu is a perfect nickname anyway- I felt very, happy, in that group, I felt like I could talk and not be shunned, and I felt like, I was with people who cared. But near the end, I started getting, an out of place feeling. Like, I wasn't really deserving to be with them, or like I wasn't entirely wanted. Eh, like I said, I really don't know, nor do I want to really.

I've also become very... confused, with quite a few people. They're changing, again. I'm not going to fight change, that's just stupid. But, I feel like, I'm drifting from my grade because I don't seem to fit in with many of them, and starting to hang out with upperclassmen. If I was a senior, I'm not sure I'd hang out with me, so I don't know what's up there. What am I going to do when they graduate, the current juniors..... I'm not really friends with any of them, and they don't bother with me either. Except Gardenboy, he gives me the occasional nod, or glance, that makes me feel like I might be worth something. But with the seniors, I really look up to some of them, I really admire some of them. William for example, I don't know what it is about him, but I admire him, he's just one of those really cool people. And Camila, what to say about her, she's just amazing, I really admire her. And what about last years seniors. The Mad Hatter was one of mty favorite people all year. I felt like an equal around him, even though I was a freshman and he was a senior. He was a huge inspiration to me, with acting, music, and just in general, life. I can't see my self being like that in two years. Like any of that.

It may not help that I have that song set on repeat. It messes with me. It, makes me feel, I don't know what feeling I'm trying to describe. It's an oddly sad feeling, a bittersweet, sorrowful feeling, with a hint of happyness. It gives me a feeling, of like, endings, as well as new beginnings. It seems to reinforce the warm feeling I got at Camilas as well as replace it with a cold drafty feeling. Well, enough of that. I'm switching to Don't Fear the Reaper. But it does the same thing. I don't want to listen to any happy songs, but I don't want that cold feeling anymore than I normally do. What is it about music that can do that? How about the song No Quarter by Led Zeppelin. That's another one of those songs. Ah, I just found the perfect stuff. Paul Fidalgo. One of the actors at the Blackfriars playhouse. Google him, and his site should come up. But it still gives me same feeling. :
I'm still feeling, like I'm bursting at the seams. I want to say so much, but so much, I'd rather you not know. None of you. Bloody lot of good that does me. I did manage to let a lot out at Camila's. They really made me think about everything. It felt good. Especially to do it in person, and be able to look them in the eye. I need to do that more often. I wonder if others do it. I'm, not normal. I don't do the things other people do. Not that these people are normal, but, I usually don't rely on people, and I'm not big into being with other people. Eh, this is really annoying me. But what am I to do? I'm trusting my music and my limited ability to share things on this collection of thoughts and ideas. Maybe it's a good thing I don't have school tomorrow. Chu said he would call me and stuff, I'm not sure if he was serious, but, it would be cool if he was. He's really easy to talk to. 4 days off ought to do me some good.

Is there a problem, when I can't really explain why I'm feeling sort of... hah, here I go again, bittersweet. I guess not. But then again, maybe? I can explain parts of it, shards of it really. Nothing is connected, and it's all very abrupt, and jaggad. Bah, I really don't get it, I have no understanding of it, I'm trying to rationalize what can't be rationalized. That seems to be one of my faults, rationallizing everything. I guess I take comfort in things that I can prove or explain, compared to things I have no comprehension of. I think that's a human thing, not just me, or a few people, but a whole race. Or maybe I'm just stupid, and have no idea what I'm talking about and I'm probably trying to rationalize this too. I wouldn't doubt it.

"Flip the switch, turn the dial. Find the nob that controls my smile. Somebody give me a clue, as to what all these buttons do."