Writers Block, To a Degree

I've have a horrible writers block right now, except it's not literary. I can't write music. I figured out very early that you can't force writing music, it has to come. But I sure tried to force it today, and guess what? Didn't work. All I could do was play my old ones and what ever I tried to make new was so similar to something I'd written already, or something someone else had. I know the sound I'm looking for, I know what I want to write, but it's not comming to my fingers. It's been so long since I've written a song. Yeah, I've rearranged old ones, or added to them, but at the moment, I only have 5 or so that I like, and that I can remember. Two of them are heavily distorted, one is lightly distorted, one is acoustic, and another is toned down electric. I've got a few more, but I can't really call them songs, or will ever do anything more with them. I think it's mostly because I'm uninspired. None of the stuff I've written in the first place was ever really that good, but it looks even worse now. Eh, what am I to do? I write music when I'm in a bad mood, I write music when I'm up set, I write music when I'm angry. I write music. That's what I do. Maybe, internally, I'm unsatisfied with my songs because they don't have lyrics. Maybe I need to write some lyrics, then I'll finally be satisfied and I'll be able to move on. I'll figure something out for the night, maybe I can get away with just playing music.

I'm still really cold. I came down this morning, and it was in the low 60's inside. Not bad, but I hadn't slept well, and I was still cold from last night. I figured I'd start a fire, and that warmed the house up a bit, but now that that has died down, I've started shivering again. I have a thick blanket, and long pants and a sweatshirt, but I'm fighting to keep warm. Hah, the fact that I have a root beer float can't be helping. But I'm feeling sullen, and I thought that might help. Alas. Is it really 8:19? This day seems to have, well been longer than usual. All day it felt slow and long and boring, and then now, it's like it all happened in an hour. What is so... anti social about me that, I am probably the only person sitting in front of his computer at 8 at night, all by him self, talking to the computer screen. Most of the people I know are off having fun with each other. Ack, it's most likely my fault, so I'll take what comes. Doesn't mean I have to like it of course, but I figure I shouldn't complain. I wish Chu would at least get on so we could talk. We seem to have some things to work out, I feel sort of bad for some of the things he said he felt. Because most of them are because of me, or... yeah. Ack.

I think, for the first time ever, I'm going to make a new years resolution. I don't know what it will be, I haven't thought that far ahead. I figure it will be something about snatching the chances flung in my face, or something about being less stubborn. Or, I could just not, like every year. It might be good to do one for a change though. I wonder what I'll be doing on new years eve. Will it be downtown at first night, or will I be sitting alone inside, or might I be out on my own somewhere. First night looks promising, but I'm not sure I want to be around that many people. Last year, I vividly remember seeing Buddy for the second time, and then I remember talking to Jojo, and then.... I remember the hot cider and chocolate. Thrash metal band Lost at Sea, and very warm trash can fires. The cold, and drunk people. The fire works show, same as always, the free warm food from TLG. Mmmm, sounds very promising. I'm not sure who'll be there, I might end up being slightly alone. I'm never really alone, I have my self, and I have my parents.

I'm feeling, incomplete right now. I'm not sure what it is. Maybe it's the lack of music, maybe it's the fact I'm alone, or maybe it's just I hadn't spoken all day until 7:30 this afternoon. There are so many maybes. Maybe things would be different if I weren't... I'm looking for a word... if I weren't... howabout... cautious. Maybe if I weren't so cautious, things would be different. Maybe if I gave up reason every once in a while things would be different. Maybe if I tried to interact with people, things would be different. Maybe this, maybe that. I could maybe all night. What can I say for certian you ask? Nothing, I know nothing for sure right now. I don't even have an unstable something. If I had to say something for sure, I'd say I'm unstable, at best. I don't want help from anyone though, I don't want to "talk about it." If anyone wants to help, you could just sit with me, sit near me, be a presence. Talk on the phone beside me, chat on AIM near me, blog by me, read across from me, something, just be a presence. That's what would really help. Of course, you don't want to really help. I wouldn't want to help me, why would you want to. Wait wait wait, do I even need help. Is this something to help, or is it something to let run it's course. It can't last forever, nothing lasts. Well, how would I know if anything lasted. I haven't lived long enough for anything to last. What defines forever, a life time? A long time? Two life time? A century? Forever, as in the dawn of time to the last second of light. :sigh: I can't see my keyboard, and I don't want to turn a light on. Too much effort to type.
Night