And So Suddenly

I become lonely. There isn't anyone on that I feel like I can talk to. The last guitar chords are still ringing in my ear, reminding me of happiness, but... I can't help feeling empty again. Maybe this is why I love music so much, it's my escape. I was the music, I was just there, I didn't have to worry about any of the day's mishaps, I got to forget how much school is dragging me down, I got to forget everything that went wrong when I was playing. But as soon as I came back, I was assaulted yet again. It's late, so I can't get my guitar out, nor can I play loud music. How am I to escape this time? Mayhaps I should just deal with it. Ack, and yet again I am assaulted, and again, twice in a minute. I don't want to talk to any of you people right now. Well, that's not true, I don't want to deal with the emotions you are stirring up. I don't like being in the middle of things, and I'm getting tired of fighting for two opposing sides. It's draining, just draining, I'm in enough.... I don't know, I just don't want to deal with anything right now. I'm tired of fighting against everything, why won't someone agree with me for once. I don't even know who I'm talking to. You? You? or You? I really want to talk to someone, who will listen, and not twist what I say, not fight me, not give me any resistance. I just want to talk to someone who will talk. I can't sleep, I'm tired, and I've tried laying down. My eyes hurt. I feel like someone dumped Windex into them, and then beat them with a bell mallet until they were bruised and bloody. Seriously think about that, that's how my eyes feel.

Am I that out of sync with the world, that the few times I'm in a good mood, no one else is? Someone prove me wrong, because it really feels like that. Or am I just... weak willed. That I surrender my good mood when I see that everyone around me is in a bad mood. Don’t even try to play it off, it’s not worth it. It’s more obvious when you try to play it off than when you don’t. When I admit I’m unhappy to my self, not many people notice. But when I try to ignore it, try to say I am happy, everyone notices. But I don’t want to accept it; it feels worse when I do. Why can’t there be one day, where I don’t give in, where nothing bad happens, where everything works out. Because that’s not the way it works right? Figures. You know, I don’t think talking would help. I don’t want to talk about it. I want to play music. But I would rather let the parents sleep well, because they work a lot harder than I do. I don’t NEED to play music, but they need a good nights sleep. What do I need. Water, food, shelter, sleep, mmmm…. Yeah. I mean, what do I really need. I need food and drink to survive, I need shelter to survive longer, and I need sleep, to recuperate. I figure I could make music on rocks with sticks, I don’t need music. I don’t need to talk to anyone, I don’t need any friends. I need food and drink. Everyone’s complaining about I need this I need that, I do it too. I know I do, but still, really look at it. Would you die without the thing? Okay, decide then.

You know what?

Neither do I.